Today I realized just how important my words are to me. I seriously had no idea until I lost them all.
In one of my last posts I discussed how hard things have been for me lately. Honestly, I can’t really give a reason why. It’s been a period of my life where I have had so many realizations and eye-opening discoveries that it was almost too much to take in all at once. I have learned so much about myself even in such a short amount of time. That being said, the things that I have learned have not necessarily been what I had expected/planned my life to be like at all. For example, when I was in high school I was a party girl. I was so extremely social, always surrounded by people, had tons of friends that I loved to spend time with, and I was rarely alone. I typically always had a boyfriend, for the most part. I wanted it that way, or so I thought. Come graduation, growth, and goals… all of that changed. I slowly began distancing myself from others. I started working full time, going to school full time, and devoted myself to lifting. The only problem was that I still held on to that part of me that thought she ALWAYS needed somebody. So I would hangout with people, involve myself in relationships, and do things that I didn’t necessarily want to. And inside I knew I hated it, I knew it wasn’t helping me grow, but I continued. For awhile. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I was spending so much time trying to stay like I have been rather than grow into the person that I was meant to be, the person I deserve to be.
Do you ever have something so important planned out that you have been waiting so long for? And you would be devastated if anything about that changed? Yeah okay, cool, same. That was my life. My whole life I planned it would be me, a shit ton of friends, probably a boyfriend, go to school, get a career, get married, etc. Then I realized that that life is not for me. The part that was missing was ME. I don’t belong in that cookie cutter, everybody-does-it bullshit life. And it held me back.
So anyways. I realized all of this pretty much all at once. I realized that I want to write. I want to live. I want to be with me. I want to do everything that I want to do in the way that I want to do it. And it hit me. Hard. So hard that it metaphorically and literally knocked me down.
You’d think it would be a really good thing that this happened, and it is, but it’s also very overwhelming. It’s a lot to take in, seeing everything shift from one thing to the complete opposite. I’m excited and nervous and motivated and sad and confused and anxious all at once.
Today was day nine of my not-so-good day streak. I barely slept and woke up anxious from a nightmare. Everything that happened today frustrated me and not even three hours ago, the screen on my phone broke to top it all off. I had to go purchase a brand new phone and in turning on my new phone, I realized that I had lost every single note I had ever written on my old phone. 200+ plus notes. 200 thoughts, words, emotions, poems, to-do lists, lifting progress, everything. All of it. While this may not seem like a huge deal, it hit me like a fucking train. Especially after everything else I’ve been feeling internally. I never knew how much I cared about writing, how much I have grown from it, how I have basically rediscovered and reinvented myself through it.
I’m gonna be honest. I cried. I cried a LOT. I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing because I lost almost everything I’ve ever written. (I never cry by the way, so this was a lot of build up coming out all at once.) Everything that I had created, from the very very beginning all the way up to today, even.
While I am still pretty upset, it also kind of reminded me where I came from in life. I thought I had it all, I thought it was all there right in front of me then BOOM. Just like that it wasn’t. And I had to adjust, be uncomfortable, feel shit I didn’t want to feel, learn, and discover in order to become better from it. And that is what I’ll do now.
Point in me writing this is that things are almost never going to be what you think they are, but that doesn’t mean you’re going in the wrong direction. Honestly it probably means you’re going in the right one. All that matters is that you keep going. As long as you put yourself and your importance first, you will persevere. Just keep moving forward. As will I.