Why I Didn’t Believe

For most of my life, I thought there was only one way of living. I thought we were all required to live a certain way, our partially unique journeys leading us all to the same destination. You know, the life where you are raised by your parents, graduate high school, go to college to get a degree, pursue a career within that field, meet someone, get married, and live happily ever after. I spoke briefly of this in a couple of my previous posts, but this has been something that has conflicted my life and my goals for quite some time, so I wanted to go more in depth about it.

After I graduated high school, I didn’t go to college because I had literally ZERO clue what I wanted to do. I was working full-time and had strong beliefs that experience is worth more than a piece of paper. Many of my family members hounded me with things like “How are you going to get a job?” “What do you plan on doing with your life?” “Are you just going to work at Waterway forever then?” While I still believe there is much truth to the experience thing under certain circumstances, I did end up going back to school.

So here begins my internal conflict with what I actually wanted to do. I have switched my major, I think, six times? Yes, that’s right, six times. Upon enrolling, I knew I wanted to do something that was with people. Psychology. I have been drawn to it since who knows when. You know how many people frown upon a psych major? I had no idea until I spoke about it. They automatically jump to things like “Well are you going to go to grad school to be a doctor?” “You can’t really do anything with a bachelor’s in psychology you know.” and “So you want to be a counselor?” Okay, one: I haven’t made any plans to go to grad school, no. Two: So basically you’re saying that the knowledge I obtain during undergrad as a psychology major is useless? Three: Why is psych always directly associated with counseling? Just because someone is a criminal justice major does not automatically mean they want to be a cop. THE WORLD IS INFINITE. STOP PUTTING LIMITS ON SHIT. This… This is why I switched out of psychology three times, because I let these people convince me that I wouldn’t be able to provide a future for myself with this degree. (I am back to psychology now, by the way. 100% ready.)

Next up, plans for my future. As I discussed in https://fusembition.wordpress.com/2017/08/05/i-thought/ , I always seemed to be pulled back into other peoples’ dreams instead of following my own. I think a lot of the reason for this was that I didn’t believe in mine because they don’t necessarily follow the norm or guidelines provided by today’s society. I had a recent discussion with a friend about college and degrees and jobs and such. She had just about every single aspect planned out from her graduation date, to where she was going to move after, to the exact place she would apply to start her career. Which is great. For her. For me though, things are a little different. When you mention to somebody that you’re an aspiring blogger and entrepreneur, people either a.) laugh, b.) ask “no, really, like what are you going to do like with your degree?, or c.) pretend to be supportive but secretly judge the hell out of you. Which, I suppose, is understandable. In today’s world we’re all expected to do the same thing and when someone does something that is completely out of the norm, most assume that they’re likely to fail.

I didn’t believe in me or my dreams because I depended on other people to believe in them. I would talk about them hoping that somebody would show as much excitement as I feel inside and when no one did, I pushed them aside. I would let a part of me not believe and take over, deciding that I should pick a “normal” degree so that I can have a “normal” job. This turned into a vicious cycle of me trying to be “normal” continued by me being drawn back to writing, to blogging, and learning about people the way that I want to. Normalcy has not been in my favor.

I am not going to sit here and wait for somebody else to believe in my dreams for me because the likelihood of that happening is slim to none. It’s hard to believe in things that don’t happen often. It’s hard to understand how a person could want to stray away from the easy route. I get that. I get that 100%, but there is no way in hell that I am going to let that continue to affect me and affect my pursuing of what I want.

If I can give you any advice, it is to follow your heart. I know I know I know how cliché that sounds, but the fact that I have been putting my own life and goals that I truly want just because multiple people gave me a funny look is not something I want for anybody else. It doesn’t matter how stupid or silly or crazy or far-fetched you sound. If you want to go to college to be a doctor, go be a damn doctor. If you want to start a business, do what you need to do to get started. If you want to rescue dogs, rescue the damn dogs!!! Do what you want, when you want. There will always be people with small minds that only see things one way. No matter what they say, no matter what they believe, your dreams are attainable. They are attainable. Believe.

Today

Today I realized just how important my words are to me. I seriously had no idea until I lost them all. 

In one of my last posts I discussed how hard things have been for me lately. Honestly, I can’t really give a reason why. It’s been a period of my life where I have had so many realizations and eye-opening discoveries that it was almost too much to take in all at once. I have learned so much about myself even in such a short amount of time. That being said, the things that I have learned have not necessarily been what I had expected/planned my life to be like at all. For example, when I was in high school I was a party girl. I was so extremely social, always surrounded by people, had tons of friends that I loved to spend time with, and I was rarely alone. I typically always had a boyfriend, for the most part. I wanted it that way, or so I thought. Come graduation, growth, and goals… all of that changed. I slowly began distancing myself from others. I started working full time, going to school full time, and devoted myself to lifting. The only problem was that I still held on to that part of me that thought she ALWAYS needed somebody. So I would hangout with people, involve myself in relationships, and do things that I didn’t necessarily want to. And inside I knew I hated it, I knew it wasn’t helping me grow, but I continued. For awhile. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I was spending so much time trying to stay like I have been rather than grow into the person that I was meant to be, the person I deserve to be. 

Do you ever have something so important planned out that you have been waiting so long for? And you would be devastated if anything about that changed? Yeah okay, cool, same. That was my life. My whole life I planned it would be me, a shit ton of friends, probably a boyfriend, go to school, get a career, get married, etc. Then I realized that that life is not for me. The part that was missing was ME. I don’t belong in that cookie cutter, everybody-does-it bullshit life. And it held me back. 

So anyways. I realized all of this pretty much all at once. I realized that I want to write. I want to live. I want to be with me. I want to do everything that I want to do in the way that I want to do it. And it hit me. Hard. So hard that it metaphorically and literally knocked me down. 

You’d think it would be a really good thing that this happened, and it is, but it’s also very overwhelming. It’s a lot to take in, seeing everything shift from one thing to the complete opposite. I’m excited and nervous and motivated and sad and confused and anxious all at once. 

Today was day nine of my not-so-good day streak. I barely slept and woke up anxious from a nightmare. Everything that happened today frustrated me and not even three hours ago, the screen on my phone broke to top it all off. I had to go purchase a brand new phone and in turning on my new phone, I realized that I had lost every single note I had ever written on my old phone. 200+ plus notes. 200 thoughts, words, emotions, poems, to-do lists, lifting progress, everything. All of it. While this may not seem like a huge deal, it hit me like a fucking train. Especially after everything else I’ve been feeling internally. I never knew how much I cared about writing, how much I have grown from it, how I have basically rediscovered and reinvented myself through it. 

I’m gonna be honest. I cried. I cried a LOT. I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing because I lost almost everything I’ve ever written. (I never cry by the way, so this was a lot of build up coming out all at once.) Everything that I had created, from the very very beginning all the way up to today, even. 

While I am still pretty upset, it also kind of reminded me where I came from in life. I thought I had it all, I thought it was all there right in front of me then BOOM. Just like that it wasn’t. And I had to adjust, be uncomfortable, feel shit I didn’t want to feel, learn, and discover in order to become better from it. And that is what I’ll do now. 

Point in me writing this is that things are almost never going to be what you think they are, but that doesn’t mean you’re going in the wrong direction. Honestly it probably means you’re going in the right one. All that matters is that you keep going. As long as you put yourself and your importance first, you will persevere. Just keep moving forward. As will I. 

I Am

Two of the most powerful words are written above this article. I am. Honestly, I don’t know that there is a more impactful set of words in existence. I am.

These words can be used to break. They can be used to build. The most remarkable part about these words, though, is that they can only be used by you.

Should you use them to break, you are inviting your mind to think lesser of yourself. You are creating a negative image of yourself that only you can see. Your mind will feed off of that negativity and make it continuous.

Choose to use them to build. Build yourself, build an image in your mind that is so spectacular, so beautiful. What follows these two words is so important for your being, for your health.

The words, though, can stand alone. I am. I AM. How wonderful is that? I am. I’m here, I’m a person, I exist. I am. And you do too. Take that in. I am and you are.

Write down the two words. Then write any and every positive thing that you are that you can possibly think of. If all you can do is write I am without wanting to write negative responses afterward, then leave it as that. I am. That is enough.

Choices

Do not forget that you are always given a choice. No matter the situation or the circumstances, you always have a choice. We are only given a short amount of time to live our life in a way that is unique to who we are. Time is limited. Cherish it. Utilize it. Make the best of the minimal amount of time that you are given in this world.

It is entirely up to you. While we may have our own fates, it is the choices we make day in and day out that determine our lives. Do not deny yourself the simple pleasures that bring you great joy; for those are the things you will remember and hold on to for all of eternity.

You are beautiful. You are unique. You are the only you in this world, take advantage of that. Take advantage of the entirety that is your life. You are blessed to say that you are here and you are living and you are given the opportunity to live exactly how you want. Do not ever take that for granted.

This world is yours. It is yours completely. How incredible is it that you can wake up and have twenty-four hours of nothing but choices?

I Thought

Alright. So, I said I was going to start doing more personal posts so here goes.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s up with my mind. The past couple of days have been those that everything kind of just adds up and you explode or (in my case) implode then have to spend an entire day picking up the pieces and recuperating from it.

Do you ever have things about yourself that you are sort of aware of but not really? Yeah, okay, me too. About a lot of things. Over the past couple of days, I came to a realization that I thought I had figured out but obviously didn’t considering I am STILL doing this to myself.

I’m the type of person that tries to convince myself that I could fit into somebody else’s world and/or expectations. Like, I see their lifestyle and I see what their image is and what they identify themselves as and think I think I could fit in to that lifestyle. Or something along the lines of hmmm maybe that’s what I want to do. I often times lose myself whilst trying to be a part of someone else’s world because I think it could be the one for me. It’s stupid, I know. I guess we just meet people or get into situations that SEEM right or fun or cool at the time and wonder if that’s how we want to live our lives.

I suppose I didn’t realize that I already have my own world, that I don’t need to change myself to fit into anybody else’s world. It’s confusing and it’s frustrating and the small slither of negativity in me tries to convince me that life would be a lot easier if I just did what everyone else is doing, if I just act in regards to the identity/person/group/niche that I belong to. Fuck that. I can’t tell you how many times I have allowed myself to just liquefy into somebody else’s world because I thought it was bearable, because I thought it was the world I wanted, because I thought I was supposed to be like them.

Nope.

Right Now

As people, we are constantly yearning for more.

More money, more clothes, more opportunities, more status, more gifts.

Each of these will “fix” its respective problem in our lives.

Although we are problem-solvers, we are likely the creator of these problems.

When I get this, I will be happier.

When I buy that, I will look better.

When I lose weight, I will love myself.

When I move away, I will start over.

 

What about now?

Why is it that we do not teach our children and each other to enjoy the things we do have? The people in our lives? To love ourselves right now? The gifts and treasure we already have in our presence? Why must we always search for more without appreciating what we already have?

If you are constantly looking for a problem to solve, chances are you are the one creating the problem. Remember that if you are always searching for happiness, you will almost never find it.

Open your eyes and it is there. In front of you, next to you, behind you, around you.

Right here, right now.

When the World Stops

Yesterday I felt it happen. I felt the world come to a complete stop and I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything like it. I want to make my entire life feel like yesterday felt.

It’s that feeling when nothing else matters except for the exact moment that you are living in. Yes, you can pretend to feel that and question whether or not you feel it but when it happens, it is without a doubt one of the greatest moments of your life. And you’ll know it.

(So I don’t typically do personal posts, not really sure why but I am going to try to start involving you guys more in my life and what takes place beyond this keyboard to further my relationship with readers.)

Yesterday. Wow. I am so happy to be able to say that I competed in my first powerlifting meet. For those of you that don’t know what this entails, one that competes in powerlifting is given three attempts at each lift: squat, bench, and deadlift. I won’t go into detail about those because there’s a super cool thing called Google to do that for me. Competing in a meet has been a goal of mine for some years now, and I experienced so much more than I ever thought I would.

It wasn’t even necessarily about the lifts to me that made the world stop. Perhaps not even the (AMAZINGLY POSITIVE) environment that I was in for a day. It was about everything. It was about being outside of my body and watching the world freeze for just an instant. Watching everything that I’ve progressively worked so hard toward come together in one small moment. It was watching myself grow from the first day of prep nine weeks ago, to the first day of peak, to meet day. My accomplishments, personal records, failures, confidence growth, knowledge, questions, experiences, all of it. All of it was visible in that one singular moment.

It’s the feeling you get when you lose yourself in your own personal art. Or in another person. The way the world stops when you look into another’s eyes. Or when you accomplish a goal that is so important to you. The feeling you get when everything comes together, when it is just right. How you can almost watch yourself as you do what you love. Whatever that may be, hold on to it. Keep pursuing it. Grasp that goal, that person, that art. Let that be your motive, your will. If you can make the world stop one time, you can make it stop a million times, allowing yourself to live your dreams. Live in your moments. Watching everything happen slowly, then all at once. Flooding your heart with gratification, love, accomplishment. You won’t have to search for it because when you feel it, you will know. When the world stops, you will know.

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Some facts about how the meet went: Competing in the 132lb weight class, I went 7/9 on my attempts and totaled 630lbs. (Again, if you have no clue what I’m talking about, either pretend you do or hit up my friend Google. Or you can find me on social media.) I got first in my class and ended with a Best Lifter award as well. My brother also competed alongside me and received first in his class. It was amazing to watch not only myself, but my brother grow throughout prep for this meet. The energy was so high and I met some truly incredible individuals pursuing similar goals. Having my family there to see it all brought everything together for me. It was honestly a magical day. (Plus I even had an excuse to eat a rather excessive amount of food!)

I plan on competing again in a different federation in December as I drop a weight class and hopefully increase my numbers. Fitness, like writing, is truly part of who I am and I plan on sharing more and more of what I love with the world. Thank you to those of you that continuously follow and support me through either/both passions of mine.