Why I Didn’t Believe

For most of my life, I thought there was only one way of living. I thought we were all required to live a certain way, our partially unique journeys leading us all to the same destination. You know, the life where you are raised by your parents, graduate high school, go to college to get a degree, pursue a career within that field, meet someone, get married, and live happily ever after. I spoke briefly of this in a couple of my previous posts, but this has been something that has conflicted my life and my goals for quite some time, so I wanted to go more in depth about it.

After I graduated high school, I didn’t go to college because I had literally ZERO clue what I wanted to do. I was working full-time and had strong beliefs that experience is worth more than a piece of paper. Many of my family members hounded me with things like “How are you going to get a job?” “What do you plan on doing with your life?” “Are you just going to work at Waterway forever then?” While I still believe there is much truth to the experience thing under certain circumstances, I did end up going back to school.

So here begins my internal conflict with what I actually wanted to do. I have switched my major, I think, six times? Yes, that’s right, six times. Upon enrolling, I knew I wanted to do something that was with people. Psychology. I have been drawn to it since who knows when. You know how many people frown upon a psych major? I had no idea until I spoke about it. They automatically jump to things like “Well are you going to go to grad school to be a doctor?” “You can’t really do anything with a bachelor’s in psychology you know.” and “So you want to be a counselor?” Okay, one: I haven’t made any plans to go to grad school, no. Two: So basically you’re saying that the knowledge I obtain during undergrad as a psychology major is useless? Three: Why is psych always directly associated with counseling? Just because someone is a criminal justice major does not automatically mean they want to be a cop. THE WORLD IS INFINITE. STOP PUTTING LIMITS ON SHIT. This… This is why I switched out of psychology three times, because I let these people convince me that I wouldn’t be able to provide a future for myself with this degree. (I am back to psychology now, by the way. 100% ready.)

Next up, plans for my future. As I discussed in https://fusembition.wordpress.com/2017/08/05/i-thought/ , I always seemed to be pulled back into other peoples’ dreams instead of following my own. I think a lot of the reason for this was that I didn’t believe in mine because they don’t necessarily follow the norm or guidelines provided by today’s society. I had a recent discussion with a friend about college and degrees and jobs and such. She had just about every single aspect planned out from her graduation date, to where she was going to move after, to the exact place she would apply to start her career. Which is great. For her. For me though, things are a little different. When you mention to somebody that you’re an aspiring blogger and entrepreneur, people either a.) laugh, b.) ask “no, really, like what are you going to do like with your degree?, or c.) pretend to be supportive but secretly judge the hell out of you. Which, I suppose, is understandable. In today’s world we’re all expected to do the same thing and when someone does something that is completely out of the norm, most assume that they’re likely to fail.

I didn’t believe in me or my dreams because I depended on other people to believe in them. I would talk about them hoping that somebody would show as much excitement as I feel inside and when no one did, I pushed them aside. I would let a part of me not believe and take over, deciding that I should pick a “normal” degree so that I can have a “normal” job. This turned into a vicious cycle of me trying to be “normal” continued by me being drawn back to writing, to blogging, and learning about people the way that I want to. Normalcy has not been in my favor.

I am not going to sit here and wait for somebody else to believe in my dreams for me because the likelihood of that happening is slim to none. It’s hard to believe in things that don’t happen often. It’s hard to understand how a person could want to stray away from the easy route. I get that. I get that 100%, but there is no way in hell that I am going to let that continue to affect me and affect my pursuing of what I want.

If I can give you any advice, it is to follow your heart. I know I know I know how cliché that sounds, but the fact that I have been putting my own life and goals that I truly want just because multiple people gave me a funny look is not something I want for anybody else. It doesn’t matter how stupid or silly or crazy or far-fetched you sound. If you want to go to college to be a doctor, go be a damn doctor. If you want to start a business, do what you need to do to get started. If you want to rescue dogs, rescue the damn dogs!!! Do what you want, when you want. There will always be people with small minds that only see things one way. No matter what they say, no matter what they believe, your dreams are attainable. They are attainable. Believe.

[A]lone[ly]

Forgive me, for I am alone.
Free to explore my own thoughts.
I haven’t anyone to impress.
Be alone and be free.

Forgive me, for I am lonely.
Prisoner to my own thoughts.
I haven’t anyone to lean on.
Someone be alone with me.

Forgive me, world.
I am not shutting you out.
I feel you are better off without me.

Forgive me, mind.
I often forget your worth that
I feel the world should see.

What is living?

“To me, it was never about becoming something. Instead, it was about becoming everything.”

I am sure each person that walks this earth has his own unique definition of what it means to truly live. Here I am, on my very first blog post that will probably be seen by no more than my supportive Facebook friends and family members, telling you that I do not have a definition for living. I was not born as Emily or with just one purpose in this world, nor was I born to follow a crowd and do as I am told. I was born as a being, just as you were. The idea behind truly living as a being is to ignore the artificial bullshit that the world has milked us with since day one. Clearly, none of us remember the moment we were born but I am sure we can all go back and agree on one thing and it is that we did not come out of the womb determined to earn millions, or to hurt people, or to sit at a 9-5 desk job Monday through Friday. We have been fed so many external factors that many of us have overlooked the internal ones that make up our essence. The true being. Your being is not your name, the clothes you wear, the words you say, etc. True being is who you are, it is your existence. Do you honestly believe that you were put on this earth to pay bills? To buy material items so that you can be considered superior? To forge your identity to build fraudulent relationships?

You EXIST. That is something truly spectacular, if you ask me. You exist in a way that nobody else ever has, nor will. That is why I believe there is no real definition of living, because in order to live, you must exist. And in order to exist, you must become one with your being. Look inward for life, not outward for another person’s definition. When you look elsewhere, you stop living and start imitating. Your existence in this world is so much more than the finite wall that society has built around you and tried to engrain in your mind. Living is infinite and like all other infinite things, there is no true definition.

 

I chose this as my first blog post because I knew this was supposed to be an introduction. It is impossible for me to write in one little post who I am, though, so I thought that giving an insight of who I believe we all are would be more beneficial. Onto the simple stuff, though. My name is Emily, I was born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri. I never had a passion for writing until 2012, when I was so severely depressed that I thought I was going to kill myself. I know that that is very blunt to say, but that is what this is going to be all about: saying the things out loud that everybody is too afraid to because of the labels that small-minded people have created to attempt to limit humanity. I began to write every single thing that I was feeling in a Diary App on my phone. Most of what I wrote was that of my pain, my sadness. I honestly had no idea that it would help me heal. I began to write quotes, advice, and motivational paragraphs a few years later as I learned more about my inner being and found interest in the essence, emotions, and science of people. I was convinced that I was not the only one that had these thoughts and knew I needed to share them from my own perspective.

What makes your blog any different than the million other blogs that flood the internet?  What I write may not be Pinterest worthy nor may it ever be on a wall decal, but I do know one thing: it means something. It means everything. I want to write to give hope. To inspire. To reach the part of a person that he keeps hidden from the world. To show that the feelings we have that are not always the good ones are OKAY to have. More often than not, we are given strict definitions of things that take place in our lives and when we do not fulfill those definitions precisely, we feel as though we have failed. I believe that every last thing in this world is infinite and that there is no one way of going about doing something. A failure to one person could be success to another. It is a waste of being to live superficially just because the world said you had to do so. My hope is that I can help even just one person through the worst, or even the greatest, time of their life.

Just like my life, this blog will be a bunch of randomness jumbled into one big picture. I do not believe in guidelines or rules or normalcy. QUESTION EVERYTHING. I will share some of the most depressing thoughts that have ruled my mind just as I will share some of the most influential quotes that I have written. I will also probably just write my feelings, what I am doing a certain day, maybe updates on my life, who knows? This is about being real, none of that cookie cutter, cutesie, artsy blog shit. If you have made it this far on this post, thank you for reading. I hope you will follow me through this journey as I plan to follow you.

Also, please bare with me as I try to figure out WordPress. I am clearly new to this.