I Thought

Alright. So, I said I was going to start doing more personal posts so here goes.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s up with my mind. The past couple of days have been those that everything kind of just adds up and you explode or (in my case) implode then have to spend an entire day picking up the pieces and recuperating from it.

Do you ever have things about yourself that you are sort of aware of but not really? Yeah, okay, me too. About a lot of things. Over the past couple of days, I came to a realization that I thought I had figured out but obviously didn’t considering I am STILL doing this to myself.

I’m the type of person that tries to convince myself that I could fit into somebody else’s world and/or expectations. Like, I see their lifestyle and I see what their image is and what they identify themselves as and think I think I could fit in to that lifestyle. Or something along the lines of hmmm maybe that’s what I want to do. I often times lose myself whilst trying to be a part of someone else’s world because I think it could be the one for me. It’s stupid, I know. I guess we just meet people or get into situations that SEEM right or fun or cool at the time and wonder if that’s how we want to live our lives.

I suppose I didn’t realize that I already have my own world, that I don’t need to change myself to fit into anybody else’s world. It’s confusing and it’s frustrating and the small slither of negativity in me tries to convince me that life would be a lot easier if I just did what everyone else is doing, if I just act in regards to the identity/person/group/niche that I belong to. Fuck that. I can’t tell you how many times I have allowed myself to just liquefy into somebody else’s world because I thought it was bearable, because I thought it was the world I wanted, because I thought I was supposed to be like them.

Nope.

Right Now

As people, we are constantly yearning for more.

More money, more clothes, more opportunities, more status, more gifts.

Each of these will “fix” its respective problem in our lives.

Although we are problem-solvers, we are likely the creator of these problems.

When I get this, I will be happier.

When I buy that, I will look better.

When I lose weight, I will love myself.

When I move away, I will start over.

 

What about now?

Why is it that we do not teach our children and each other to enjoy the things we do have? The people in our lives? To love ourselves right now? The gifts and treasure we already have in our presence? Why must we always search for more without appreciating what we already have?

If you are constantly looking for a problem to solve, chances are you are the one creating the problem. Remember that if you are always searching for happiness, you will almost never find it.

Open your eyes and it is there. In front of you, next to you, behind you, around you.

Right here, right now.

When the World Stops

Yesterday I felt it happen. I felt the world come to a complete stop and I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything like it. I want to make my entire life feel like yesterday felt.

It’s that feeling when nothing else matters except for the exact moment that you are living in. Yes, you can pretend to feel that and question whether or not you feel it but when it happens, it is without a doubt one of the greatest moments of your life. And you’ll know it.

(So I don’t typically do personal posts, not really sure why but I am going to try to start involving you guys more in my life and what takes place beyond this keyboard to further my relationship with readers.)

Yesterday. Wow. I am so happy to be able to say that I competed in my first powerlifting meet. For those of you that don’t know what this entails, one that competes in powerlifting is given three attempts at each lift: squat, bench, and deadlift. I won’t go into detail about those because there’s a super cool thing called Google to do that for me. Competing in a meet has been a goal of mine for some years now, and I experienced so much more than I ever thought I would.

It wasn’t even necessarily about the lifts to me that made the world stop. Perhaps not even the (AMAZINGLY POSITIVE) environment that I was in for a day. It was about everything. It was about being outside of my body and watching the world freeze for just an instant. Watching everything that I’ve progressively worked so hard toward come together in one small moment. It was watching myself grow from the first day of prep nine weeks ago, to the first day of peak, to meet day. My accomplishments, personal records, failures, confidence growth, knowledge, questions, experiences, all of it. All of it was visible in that one singular moment.

It’s the feeling you get when you lose yourself in your own personal art. Or in another person. The way the world stops when you look into another’s eyes. Or when you accomplish a goal that is so important to you. The feeling you get when everything comes together, when it is just right. How you can almost watch yourself as you do what you love. Whatever that may be, hold on to it. Keep pursuing it. Grasp that goal, that person, that art. Let that be your motive, your will. If you can make the world stop one time, you can make it stop a million times, allowing yourself to live your dreams. Live in your moments. Watching everything happen slowly, then all at once. Flooding your heart with gratification, love, accomplishment. You won’t have to search for it because when you feel it, you will know. When the world stops, you will know.

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Some facts about how the meet went: Competing in the 132lb weight class, I went 7/9 on my attempts and totaled 630lbs. (Again, if you have no clue what I’m talking about, either pretend you do or hit up my friend Google. Or you can find me on social media.) I got first in my class and ended with a Best Lifter award as well. My brother also competed alongside me and received first in his class. It was amazing to watch not only myself, but my brother grow throughout prep for this meet. The energy was so high and I met some truly incredible individuals pursuing similar goals. Having my family there to see it all brought everything together for me. It was honestly a magical day. (Plus I even had an excuse to eat a rather excessive amount of food!)

I plan on competing again in a different federation in December as I drop a weight class and hopefully increase my numbers. Fitness, like writing, is truly part of who I am and I plan on sharing more and more of what I love with the world. Thank you to those of you that continuously follow and support me through either/both passions of mine.

How Fitness Changes Your Outlook on Life

Fitness, I’m sure, has interchangeable definitions based on who you may ask. To me, it is powerlifting and eating to fuel my body. To my best friend, it is the sport of dance. To some, it is a complete lifestyle. And to others, it may be nonexistent. When people hear terms and phrases that coincide with fitness and health, they automatically associate them with something along the lines of eating healthy and going to the gym. While, yes, those are correct associations, they are only a small, basic aspect of what fitness can actually do for your life. Fitness is and should mean exceedingly more than just daily physical activity. It has changed many outlooks of life and has the ability to build a person into so much more than just somebody that is considered “fit.”

Depth

As aforementioned, people are often quick to assume that fitness is “just” something. It’s just going to the gym and doing curls. It’s just eating chicken and broccoli for lunch. It’s just getting “toned.” Like any other niche, fitness has obtained its own set of stereotypes. Once you enter the realm of physical activity, whether that may be bodybuilding, HIIT, powerlifting, crossfit or just training in general, you quickly realize that just is not the case at all. There are hundreds of thousands of factors that go into a person’s health and progression in the fitness world. It is more than just going into the gym and doing a set of bicep curls. It is copious research about how the body reacts to a certain amount of volume. It is how to personalize macros based on body type and training volume, it is science. It is trial and error, based on how your body reacts to certain exercises. It is goal setting, listening to your body, training your mind, and so much more. Just like everything else in this world, there are depths waiting to be discovered in fitness. There is so much to learn. Once you look past the surface of it all, you realize just how much more there is to it. This is the case inside and outside of the gym and kitchen. There are people that may be categorized or stereotyped as one thing or another but you have absolutely no idea what lies beyond until you dig deep enough to truly understand. There are things you may be hesitant to try because the very little facts you do know about them may not sound appealing to you. Do not miss out on things or people or experiences just because you did not necessarily like the two things you heard about them from some biased source. Life is so much more than just waking up and going through a boring routine. When you stop putting just on things, you stop limiting yourself and open up a new world of depth and new discoveries.

Mental Health

To continue the importance of stereotype destruction, I will move on to the idea of mental health. Some believe that fitness is strictly physical, a way for someone that is fat to get skinny, bulky to become toned, etc. In my case and many others, though, physical health was/is just a premise to mental health. Taking control of your physical health through fitness teaches you so much more about your inner strength than outer. Yes, hitting PRs is gratifying. Yes, losing those last 20 lbs may have been the highlight of your year. Yes, showing off your transformation makes you feel unstoppable. All of these ring true, but they mean so much more than just a physical change. They show that you have the ability to take control of yourself and your life and keep pushing, even when you do not believe you can. Fitness teaches you strength, true mental strength. When you have the drive and ability to get up in the morning and make that decision to eat right, or to go to the gym even when you are exhausted, that is when you are building yourself. Fitness teaches you that when you focus on the present and the good, the past and negative aspects will soon be minimized, slowly dissolving from your life. Take that strength and apply it to every facet of your life. Whether it is through fitness or not, wake up in the morning with that same drive. Push through the difficult times to become stronger.

Progress and Goals

When it comes to starting new things, the idea of unfamiliarity can be terrifying. This is especially true for me. I often times find myself leaning on what is familiar, relying on routine. While I’m not necessarily hesitant to go outside my comfort zone, I do sometimes encounter fear when it comes to new beginnings. For example, I wanted nothing more than to get my writing and thoughts out into the world. I wanted to start a blog, but once I started doing research and saw how great people were at it, how much time it takes, how much I still had to learn about website editing, I ran away. This was true until I was reminded how far I’ve come in terms of my own physical health. I was never scared to begin lifting weights because I never realized how much I would fall in love with the sport and how much knowledge I would actually obtain. I wasn’t afraid because I did not realize that one little baby step would turn into a million baby steps that would build me into a completely different person than I ever expected to be. Fitness teaches you that starting small can lead to something greater than you could have ever imagined. Goal setting is a huge aspect when it comes to progression in the world of fitness. As long as you work toward each goal, both short-term and long-term, baby steps and giant steps, you will come closer each time. It all starts with one decision. One decision that turns into another one that eventually will turn into a habit if you stick to it. Progress, in anything in life, can be slow. It can be demanding. It can feel like you are moving in the wrong direction at times, but as long as you keep moving forward, your work will pay off. The progress will show.

Comparisons

In the Progress section, I talked about my fear of other, far more experienced writers in the blogging industry. My first thought was that I’m clearly not as good as them nor will I ever be as successful as them. I think the idea of comparing oneself to others is almost natural, but it should not determine what comes next. Many people stray away from fitness because they are not “thin enough” or “strong enough” or whatever the case may be. Yes, I am guilty of comparing myself. I see a woman that is leaner and stronger than I am and yes I envy her. Does that mean I am going to throw in the towel and give up my own healthy lifestyle? Absolutely not. She may have started ten years before me. She may be an exercise scientist, 110% devoted to learning and teaching fitness. But in all honesty, I have no idea. This is the exact same for life outside the fitness industry. It is not fair to yourself nor to others to make comparisons or judgments. You have no idea what people do day in and day out. You don’t know what their genetics consist of, what their lifestyle consists of, how long they have been pursuing a goal, etc. Like in the gym, what works for one person may not work for you and that is okay. There are millions of factors that go into our lives that make it completely unrealistic to even try to compare ourselves or judge others.  We are all extremely different from one another and need to focus on our own paths and how to progress individually rather than wondering how to be like somebody else.

 

Whether you have yet to begin or are actively working on your physical health, remember that there is so much knowledge that you have yet to absorb. Just start. Remember that improving yourself in one aspect of life can actually help you in other areas. Stay focused on your own definition, your unique path. Small changes can turn into tremendous successes.

The Problem with Schedules

We make schedules for time-oriented events. We allow ourselves just the right amount of time to prepare. We set an alarm in order to arrive promptly.
What about the events in our lives that take place in between? What about the events that truly matter?
Smiling, falling in love, singing, laughing,
The things that make us who we are.
The things that we enjoy doing.
Those that do not require an alarm or a schedule.
You are given 24 beautiful hours in each day. Use them.
Cherish them.
Make time for the events in your life that matter the most.
Those are the things that will bring you the greatest satisfaction,
the greatest life.

[A]lone[ly]

Forgive me, for I am alone.
Free to explore my own thoughts.
I haven’t anyone to impress.
Be alone and be free.

Forgive me, for I am lonely.
Prisoner to my own thoughts.
I haven’t anyone to lean on.
Someone be alone with me.

Forgive me, world.
I am not shutting you out.
I feel you are better off without me.

Forgive me, mind.
I often forget your worth that
I feel the world should see.

What is living?

“To me, it was never about becoming something. Instead, it was about becoming everything.”

I am sure each person that walks this earth has his own unique definition of what it means to truly live. Here I am, on my very first blog post that will probably be seen by no more than my supportive Facebook friends and family members, telling you that I do not have a definition for living. I was not born as Emily or with just one purpose in this world, nor was I born to follow a crowd and do as I am told. I was born as a being, just as you were. The idea behind truly living as a being is to ignore the artificial bullshit that the world has milked us with since day one. Clearly, none of us remember the moment we were born but I am sure we can all go back and agree on one thing and it is that we did not come out of the womb determined to earn millions, or to hurt people, or to sit at a 9-5 desk job Monday through Friday. We have been fed so many external factors that many of us have overlooked the internal ones that make up our essence. The true being. Your being is not your name, the clothes you wear, the words you say, etc. True being is who you are, it is your existence. Do you honestly believe that you were put on this earth to pay bills? To buy material items so that you can be considered superior? To forge your identity to build fraudulent relationships?

You EXIST. That is something truly spectacular, if you ask me. You exist in a way that nobody else ever has, nor will. That is why I believe there is no real definition of living, because in order to live, you must exist. And in order to exist, you must become one with your being. Look inward for life, not outward for another person’s definition. When you look elsewhere, you stop living and start imitating. Your existence in this world is so much more than the finite wall that society has built around you and tried to engrain in your mind. Living is infinite and like all other infinite things, there is no true definition.

 

I chose this as my first blog post because I knew this was supposed to be an introduction. It is impossible for me to write in one little post who I am, though, so I thought that giving an insight of who I believe we all are would be more beneficial. Onto the simple stuff, though. My name is Emily, I was born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri. I never had a passion for writing until 2012, when I was so severely depressed that I thought I was going to kill myself. I know that that is very blunt to say, but that is what this is going to be all about: saying the things out loud that everybody is too afraid to because of the labels that small-minded people have created to attempt to limit humanity. I began to write every single thing that I was feeling in a Diary App on my phone. Most of what I wrote was that of my pain, my sadness. I honestly had no idea that it would help me heal. I began to write quotes, advice, and motivational paragraphs a few years later as I learned more about my inner being and found interest in the essence, emotions, and science of people. I was convinced that I was not the only one that had these thoughts and knew I needed to share them from my own perspective.

What makes your blog any different than the million other blogs that flood the internet?  What I write may not be Pinterest worthy nor may it ever be on a wall decal, but I do know one thing: it means something. It means everything. I want to write to give hope. To inspire. To reach the part of a person that he keeps hidden from the world. To show that the feelings we have that are not always the good ones are OKAY to have. More often than not, we are given strict definitions of things that take place in our lives and when we do not fulfill those definitions precisely, we feel as though we have failed. I believe that every last thing in this world is infinite and that there is no one way of going about doing something. A failure to one person could be success to another. It is a waste of being to live superficially just because the world said you had to do so. My hope is that I can help even just one person through the worst, or even the greatest, time of their life.

Just like my life, this blog will be a bunch of randomness jumbled into one big picture. I do not believe in guidelines or rules or normalcy. QUESTION EVERYTHING. I will share some of the most depressing thoughts that have ruled my mind just as I will share some of the most influential quotes that I have written. I will also probably just write my feelings, what I am doing a certain day, maybe updates on my life, who knows? This is about being real, none of that cookie cutter, cutesie, artsy blog shit. If you have made it this far on this post, thank you for reading. I hope you will follow me through this journey as I plan to follow you.

Also, please bare with me as I try to figure out WordPress. I am clearly new to this.