Alright. So, I said I was going to start doing more personal posts so here goes.
Honestly, I don’t know what’s up with my mind. The past couple of days have been those that everything kind of just adds up and you explode or (in my case) implode then have to spend an entire day picking up the pieces and recuperating from it.
Do you ever have things about yourself that you are sort of aware of but not really? Yeah, okay, me too. About a lot of things. Over the past couple of days, I came to a realization that I thought I had figured out but obviously didn’t considering I am STILL doing this to myself.
I’m the type of person that tries to convince myself that I could fit into somebody else’s world and/or expectations. Like, I see their lifestyle and I see what their image is and what they identify themselves as and think I think I could fit in to that lifestyle. Or something along the lines of hmmm maybe that’s what I want to do. I often times lose myself whilst trying to be a part of someone else’s world because I think it could be the one for me. It’s stupid, I know. I guess we just meet people or get into situations that SEEM right or fun or cool at the time and wonder if that’s how we want to live our lives.
I suppose I didn’t realize that I already have my own world, that I don’t need to change myself to fit into anybody else’s world. It’s confusing and it’s frustrating and the small slither of negativity in me tries to convince me that life would be a lot easier if I just did what everyone else is doing, if I just act in regards to the identity/person/group/niche that I belong to. Fuck that. I can’t tell you how many times I have allowed myself to just liquefy into somebody else’s world because I thought it was bearable, because I thought it was the world I wanted, because I thought I was supposed to be like them.